You Might Find Yourself...
Bored on dates where the talk never goes beyond small talk
Worried about sounding snobbish if you prioritize mind over looks
Feeling intense sparks with deep thinkers, regardless of traditional beauty standards
1. Expressing Your Preferences Without Sounding Elitist
One of the biggest worries for sapiosexual-leaning people is: “If I say this out loud, will I sound like I think I'm better than everyone else?”
You're not alone in that fear. The goal is to express what you enjoy without implying anyone else is “lesser.”
Talk about what feels alive for you, not what you don't like in others
Example:
“I feel most attracted to people who are curious and open-minded”
Intelligence comes in many forms - emotional, practical, creative, social
Example:
“Be curious about how someone thinks, not just their achievements”
Intelligence isn't about degrees, jobs, or narrow IQ definitions
Example:
“Value curiosity and growth over credentials”
- “I feel most attracted to people who are curious and open-minded.”
- “I really enjoy long, thoughtful conversations about ideas, art, and big questions.”
- “I connect best with people who like to read, learn, and explore new perspectives.”
2. Designing Dating Profiles Around Depth
Your profile can be a powerful filter that says: “If you like thinking, questioning, and learning, we'll probably get along.”
Instead of only sharing photos and basic stats, invite thought and conversation:
- “I'm happiest when I'm lost in a deep conversation about...”
- “Tell me about a book, podcast, or idea that changed your mind recently.”
- “Ideal evening: making tea, picking a weird question, and talking until we forget the time.”
Share what intellectual attraction means to you personally:
- “I fall hardest for people who ask great questions and truly listen.”
- “I'm drawn to people who are kind, self-aware, and willing to learn.”
3. Planning Dates for Deep Conversations
You don't have to turn every date into a philosophy seminar. Choose settings where you can hear each other, actually talk, and feel relaxed enough to open up.
Long conversations in quiet coffee shops or tea houses
Visit bookstores or libraries and share what draws you
Explore galleries or science centers with time to discuss
- • A walk in a quiet park or along a river
- • Cooking together at home while sharing stories
- • Attending a lecture or workshop together
- • Playing thought-provoking board games
- • Visiting a farmers market and discussing food culture
- • Stargazing while talking about big questions
Remember: The activity is a container. The real focus is the conversation and how your minds meet.
“What's something you've learned recently that surprised you?”
“Is there a topic you could talk about for hours?”
“Did you ever change your mind about something important? What happened?”
“Tell me about a book, podcast, or idea that changed your perspective recently.”
Ask because you are genuinely curious — not because you are testing whether they are “smart enough.”
4. Handling Misunderstandings and Conflict
Even with the best intentions, sapiosexuality can trigger misunderstandings. Here's how to navigate them with grace.
If a partner says they feel “not smart enough,” it's important to:
- • Listen carefully before defending yourself
- • Ask what specifically made them feel that way
- • Clarify your intentions with empathy
Try saying:
“I'm really sorry that it came across like I was judging your intelligence. For me, 'sapiosexual' just means I'm drawn to curiosity and deep conversations, not that I think anyone is better or worse.”
If “sapiosexual” keeps causing confusion, you're free to:
- • Use softer wording (“I love deep conversations”)
- • Stop using the label entirely
- • Keep it for yourself but use different language publicly
Remember: Labels are tools. If a tool keeps breaking things instead of building them, you can put it down.
5. Dating Someone Who Identifies as Sapiosexual
If you're dating someone who says they're sapiosexual, you might wonder: “Am I smart enough for them?” This is a very human fear.
Most sapiosexual-leaning people are NOT looking for someone who knows everything or never makes mistakes.
They're drawn to:
- • Curiosity and open-mindedness
- • Willingness to learn and explore together
- • Authentic engagement as a thinking, feeling human
Instead of guessing what they want, ask directly:
- “When you say you're sapiosexual, what does that mean to you?”
- “What kind of conversations make you feel really connected?”
You're allowed to want deep minds and deep hearts. You don't have to apologize for that — just remember to stay kind while you explore it.